Thursday, March 17, 2016
How About a Real Bra Maybe?
2/17
So I decided to try a real bra- currently I'm still wearing the pull over mastectomy bras I had ordered.
While I'm getting more used to what I look like, when I do back to the real deal- I am so not normal yet.
I put that real bra on and holy moly was that depressing. My expanders are not intended to be placed in a bra, they are up high and have no movement at all, like none- I really wouldn't need to wear a bra at all, I kind of do out of habit at this point, but I was hoping that I'd be able to wear a real bar.
I kind of wanted to see if i filled it out, if I was getting close to what I had been, but nope- not even close- or at least I can't tell with the way the bra fits.
The expanders are way over to the side towards the armpits more than where they should be.
Doc Gottlieb said that he'd have to do some finetuning, he'd have to get some of the scar tissue out of the way.
The left side - cancerous, traitor boob as I refer to it- i kind of a northwest direction and the right side - is a little lower and again both are too far to the outside.
Not a good look- part of me wants to show Pep - for him to tell me it's ok. But I don't think I'd believe him if he said that.
He keeps telling me he only cares that I'm alive and healthy but there still needs to be some attraction right?
I mean a person can't be repulsed by the person their with. I'm not saying that he wouldn't love me but there's the physical aspect of things as well.
And I'm a physical person.
Oh My Brother!
2/20
So I get a text from my brother- take a look:
Yup that's right- over 17,000 views- how many people know my brother?!?!
Funny how he gets that on the first post surgery selfie -
His message to me is asking what I can do to top 20,000?
I remind him that I still have one surgery coming up and one never knows about my ovaries yet.
So I get a text from my brother- take a look:
Yup that's right- over 17,000 views- how many people know my brother?!?!
Funny how he gets that on the first post surgery selfie -
His message to me is asking what I can do to top 20,000?
I remind him that I still have one surgery coming up and one never knows about my ovaries yet.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Fill #3
It's been three weeks since I've been to the doc, longest time in between appointments since this all started back in November. I feel good and have been getting pretty impatient with the wait time but know that I don't have much of a choice at this point. I'm going to try and cheat the two week standard wait time with the next appointment.
I'm really looking forward to having it all over and done with so I can really move on and adjust more to the new normal.
I have to admit that the more fluid I have added the harder those suckers get. Holy cripes, I was not prepared for that. And while I probably should have stopped at 75 cc I figured the extra 25 wouldn't hurt right? Wrong- I was pretty damn sore tonight.
I try not to think about the C word, try to not worry about it coming back - somewhere else. Sometimes I do pretty well - some days not so much.
It's a scary thing knowing that I got so lucky this time, and what if there is a next time? What if the next time there's not as much luck?
I know the dangers of "what if's" I was pretty good at not playing that game anymore - I try to go with the flow and have more of the "it is what it is" attitude but it's kind of like knowing you were invaded and while I was able to rid myself of this invader this time would I be that lucky if there was a next time?
I try to talk to Pep but he's really at the point of "I'm just glad you're alive and healthy" point. He doesn't think about the possibility, which is a good thing for him and for me as well. He's the positive thinker right now. His positive thinking keeps me grounded.
I am getting used to the thought of what I'll be able to consider normal, and I know that the fear will always be there a little. I think the one that scares me the most is the fact that I have my damn ovaries yet, those little suckers are sneaky.
Hardly any symptoms if something is wrong with them- fatigue, abdominal pains, bloating- um how about every day. How is a lady supposed to know when it's something not normal? I mean I have had those symptoms for the past two decades.
That's the hell of having fybromyalgia, it includes like every damn symptom for anything that can be wrong with a person...ever.
It's awesome, completely awesome. But again, I try not to be one that looks a gift horse in the mouth. I dodged a major bullet and need to know and remember that I am a lucky one.
I have an amazing man friend, an amazing family and friends and kids.
All of those far outweigh anything I can complain about.
I'm really looking forward to having it all over and done with so I can really move on and adjust more to the new normal.
I have to admit that the more fluid I have added the harder those suckers get. Holy cripes, I was not prepared for that. And while I probably should have stopped at 75 cc I figured the extra 25 wouldn't hurt right? Wrong- I was pretty damn sore tonight.
 |
| 220 cc's baby |
It's a scary thing knowing that I got so lucky this time, and what if there is a next time? What if the next time there's not as much luck?
I know the dangers of "what if's" I was pretty good at not playing that game anymore - I try to go with the flow and have more of the "it is what it is" attitude but it's kind of like knowing you were invaded and while I was able to rid myself of this invader this time would I be that lucky if there was a next time?
I try to talk to Pep but he's really at the point of "I'm just glad you're alive and healthy" point. He doesn't think about the possibility, which is a good thing for him and for me as well. He's the positive thinker right now. His positive thinking keeps me grounded.
I am getting used to the thought of what I'll be able to consider normal, and I know that the fear will always be there a little. I think the one that scares me the most is the fact that I have my damn ovaries yet, those little suckers are sneaky.
Hardly any symptoms if something is wrong with them- fatigue, abdominal pains, bloating- um how about every day. How is a lady supposed to know when it's something not normal? I mean I have had those symptoms for the past two decades.
That's the hell of having fybromyalgia, it includes like every damn symptom for anything that can be wrong with a person...ever.
It's awesome, completely awesome. But again, I try not to be one that looks a gift horse in the mouth. I dodged a major bullet and need to know and remember that I am a lucky one.
I have an amazing man friend, an amazing family and friends and kids.
All of those far outweigh anything I can complain about.
IT'S ALIVE!!
2/10
Kind of an odd thing to think while you're in the shower, but it was kind of a shock when all of a sudden I have feeling on my right side- which for reference was the non-cancer side.
This is good right? One would think so- it's kind of a good thing that I'll have feeling and be somewhat "normal" again right?
I'm hoping so, but on the flip side---I go in for a fill on Monday the 15th, kind of romantic really- the day after Valentines Day and all.
So what this means now is that I'll definitely feel the needle on this one. Gottlieb had offered to numb the site but that just means two needle picks instead of the one and it would probably be about the same effect really.
So I'll opt out and deal with the joy of being able to feel them doing what they're doing this time.
I am looking forward to it. It's been three weeks since I've been in and it's felt like a waste of precious time towards be having this done and me being put back together completely.
I did share this new information with my Pep and he's at kind of a loss. He's seemed to have place an embargo on that area altogether - which I can't blame him, there's nothing appealing about what I have going on up there, and I still refuse to let him be witness to the frankenboobies.
Kind of an odd thing to think while you're in the shower, but it was kind of a shock when all of a sudden I have feeling on my right side- which for reference was the non-cancer side.
This is good right? One would think so- it's kind of a good thing that I'll have feeling and be somewhat "normal" again right?
I'm hoping so, but on the flip side---I go in for a fill on Monday the 15th, kind of romantic really- the day after Valentines Day and all.
So what this means now is that I'll definitely feel the needle on this one. Gottlieb had offered to numb the site but that just means two needle picks instead of the one and it would probably be about the same effect really.
So I'll opt out and deal with the joy of being able to feel them doing what they're doing this time.
I am looking forward to it. It's been three weeks since I've been in and it's felt like a waste of precious time towards be having this done and me being put back together completely.
I did share this new information with my Pep and he's at kind of a loss. He's seemed to have place an embargo on that area altogether - which I can't blame him, there's nothing appealing about what I have going on up there, and I still refuse to let him be witness to the frankenboobies.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Shocking I Know
2/5
I think that I'm surprising allot of people, as I see more and more people and I look healthy, look normal- for the most part at least- I keep getting the feeling that people expect me to look like a "cancer patient"- to look ill or sad. Or to be depressed maybe?
I think people I see at work are surprised that I'm --me-- meaning I'm the same person with the same humor and the same drive- maybe a little more?
I know I keep surprising Pep- he'd never been through something like this- meaning a medical or health scare like this, so he didn't know what to expect.
Hell I didn't know what to expect. I was expecting worse- expecting the pain to be worse and to last longer.
I figured I'd be pretty down and out for longer than the 3-4 days- I thought for sure that I'd be down in the dumps for longer- maybe that's still coming?
I know that I always seem to have something to prove to myself. It comes from the car accident years and years ago.
I heard so many thing of what I wouldn't be able to do or things I'd have to stop doing and it started then for me to be able to prove them wrong. To prove I was tougher than what happened to me.
I have carried that with me since I was 15-
Life's not fair, life can suck some days. But you're living and things could be worse, even back then- I could have been paralyzed, I could have never walked again!!
But I did and I wasn't so move on and prove them wrong.
People go through things and the saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is a true statement but there were times- and plenty of them that I hated that saying because I didn't want to be stronger than I was- I didn't want to have to be the strong one.
But it's who I am and who I've become-
I should have a T-shirt made with some catchy saying- I need to work on that
I think that I'm surprising allot of people, as I see more and more people and I look healthy, look normal- for the most part at least- I keep getting the feeling that people expect me to look like a "cancer patient"- to look ill or sad. Or to be depressed maybe?
I think people I see at work are surprised that I'm --me-- meaning I'm the same person with the same humor and the same drive- maybe a little more?
I know I keep surprising Pep- he'd never been through something like this- meaning a medical or health scare like this, so he didn't know what to expect.
Hell I didn't know what to expect. I was expecting worse- expecting the pain to be worse and to last longer.
I figured I'd be pretty down and out for longer than the 3-4 days- I thought for sure that I'd be down in the dumps for longer- maybe that's still coming?
I know that I always seem to have something to prove to myself. It comes from the car accident years and years ago.
I heard so many thing of what I wouldn't be able to do or things I'd have to stop doing and it started then for me to be able to prove them wrong. To prove I was tougher than what happened to me.
I have carried that with me since I was 15-
Life's not fair, life can suck some days. But you're living and things could be worse, even back then- I could have been paralyzed, I could have never walked again!!
But I did and I wasn't so move on and prove them wrong.
People go through things and the saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is a true statement but there were times- and plenty of them that I hated that saying because I didn't want to be stronger than I was- I didn't want to have to be the strong one.
But it's who I am and who I've become-
I should have a T-shirt made with some catchy saying- I need to work on that
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Holy Medical Bills
I knew I'd have a heck of a bill. I normally don't complain about health insurance or the cost of it. It's a necessary thing- especially with my history in the medical world. But cripes almighty it's still a shock when the bills start coming in.
To put things in perspective- when I had my hip reconstructed in 2002- my out of pocket maximum was $1300, and that was a heck of a surgery, cutting bones apart and bolting them back together is serious business, not to mention the 6 weeks spent in a hospital bed in my living room AND the 6 months of therapy. And I paid $1300.
My deductible is $3000- I knew I'd being paying that, it the $10,000 out of pocket maximum that I was not looking forward to, and since all of this cancer wonderfulness took place at the end of the year. I'll have two beautiful years of that glorious $10,000 out of pocket maximum to deal with.
And yes it's pretty frustrating when a person works hard every day and still is socked with that after the emotional turmoil of cancer in general.
I don't blame the medical facilities, what I do have some angst about would be the people that are perhaps taking advantage of the situation and only pay a minimum for some medical treatments that are even more extensive than mine because they are on subsidies.
It's a hard nut to swallow when a person is trying to do all they can- have two kids in college and have to figure out a way to pay for all of this on top of things.
Winning the lottery isn't an option- I used all my luck when I met Pep and anything I had left was used on the Stage 0 cancer.
I'm not a crook so I can't rob a bank or anything- my mom would kick my butt.
So this is where a girl needs to put her big girl panties on and suck it up and figure something out.
I'd get another job but my hours aren't really conducive to allow that and I love my job too much to have something affect it. I love to be able to have one of those lovely "work at home" data entry jobs. But I've come to believe that those aren't something that's really a thing.
My options are pretty limited- I know I can't afford another $400 a month in payments for medical bills, thank goodness my taxes are going to be done soon, maybe I can knock that sucker down to $200 :)
I just keep telling myself that it's better than planning a funeral, right?
To put things in perspective- when I had my hip reconstructed in 2002- my out of pocket maximum was $1300, and that was a heck of a surgery, cutting bones apart and bolting them back together is serious business, not to mention the 6 weeks spent in a hospital bed in my living room AND the 6 months of therapy. And I paid $1300.
My deductible is $3000- I knew I'd being paying that, it the $10,000 out of pocket maximum that I was not looking forward to, and since all of this cancer wonderfulness took place at the end of the year. I'll have two beautiful years of that glorious $10,000 out of pocket maximum to deal with.
And yes it's pretty frustrating when a person works hard every day and still is socked with that after the emotional turmoil of cancer in general.
I don't blame the medical facilities, what I do have some angst about would be the people that are perhaps taking advantage of the situation and only pay a minimum for some medical treatments that are even more extensive than mine because they are on subsidies.
It's a hard nut to swallow when a person is trying to do all they can- have two kids in college and have to figure out a way to pay for all of this on top of things.
Winning the lottery isn't an option- I used all my luck when I met Pep and anything I had left was used on the Stage 0 cancer.
I'm not a crook so I can't rob a bank or anything- my mom would kick my butt.
So this is where a girl needs to put her big girl panties on and suck it up and figure something out.
I'd get another job but my hours aren't really conducive to allow that and I love my job too much to have something affect it. I love to be able to have one of those lovely "work at home" data entry jobs. But I've come to believe that those aren't something that's really a thing.
My options are pretty limited- I know I can't afford another $400 a month in payments for medical bills, thank goodness my taxes are going to be done soon, maybe I can knock that sucker down to $200 :)
I just keep telling myself that it's better than planning a funeral, right?
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Buzzfeed- 17 Things No One Tells You About Breast Cancer
1/30/16
A good friend of mine shared this- after reading it and then sharing it there were several that hit close to home.
#3 and 4- uuummm yeah.
#7- I'm generally not a crowd type person, I'm not shy, shocking discovery I know. Definitely
#8- I try every day to not wake up with a pity party- it's not like it's going to change anything. I hate being afraid, so I refuse to be. #9- kind of - it's kind of a killjoy- "So how were your holiday?" Me "Well i had breast cancer and had my boobs cut off. How was yours?"
#10- Thankfully I can't relate to. My tribe is amazing.
#12- a little but i get it-
#13- so true- for most people- I'm lucky so I probably downplay mine cancer because it's like decaffeinated - Stage 0
#14- oh hell yes
#15- just about every day is a struggle in some way
#16 and #17- I'm getting to see the after effects are brutal
http://www.buzzfeed.com/caseygueren/its-more-than-pink-ribbons#.jtYA27DJ4
I'm not sharing my story to be an inspiration - it's really something that's helping me work through all of the things I need to in my head. But I have found that in sharing all of this with people - if I can give someone a little laugh, a little insight that maybe what they are feeling is pretty damn normal, and just because it doesn't fit the publicized stories that others have shared then I'm good with it.
Not to mention I'm a talker- the more I can talk things out the better I am
But through all of this the comments from people I know well and don't know as well have been empowering.
I don't claim to be anything but me but when men I went to school with or know from way back post things like:
"Tara, your determination and bravery should be an inspiration for everyone."
and
"You are one tough woman, I'm proud to be your friend"
That is pretty amazing to me. They have nothing to gain but have given me a lot.
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