October 2015- I have cancelled my annual physical twice already- it's set for 10/29- no problem. I have it set for a day I'm actually working from the Marshfield office, this past summer had been a whirlwind with changes and work and adding people to the team from other locations. So while I had gotten accustomed to having two locations, I was now traveling between four. And I needed to not cancel this one again.
bit of history- I'm notorious for cancelling doctor appointments. I've had my fair share of issues and problems and would rather do about anything other than go to the doctor.
When I was 15 I was in a car accident and broke my hips and pelvis in 5 places, after several surgeries I'm now as fixed as I can be with a metal plate in the right. During this time I had also been diagnosed with fibromyalgia- so the doctor appointment could not be cancelled again.
The doctor appointment went fine they did the entire routine exam including a breast exam. But they did reminded me I needed to schedule my annual mammogram.
I called the next day and scheduled it for 11/17.
11/3- During my monthly self breast exam- I discovered 4 lumps in my left breast- how in the world can that be- I was just in the doctor office a few days ago and there was nothing. - I needed confirmation so I asked my significant other to verify- which is about the most unromantic thing ever-
Unfortunately, he felt the same thing.
11/4- I called and Marshfield Clinic changed the screening mammogram to a diagnostic mammogram.
Now to wait for the appointment.
I let my boss, Laurie, know what's going on. I'm normally not "off the grid" from work and would need some time for the appointment coming up. I assure her - and myself - that it's fine. Everything will be fine.
11/17- the tech performs the mammogram, nothing shows- but since they too could feel the lumps I was sent to have an ultrasound- I am no expert but even I could see the lumps on the screen. The tech leaves and returns with the radiologist who does his own exam.
He confirms what I was pretty sure of but- while I had found 4 he found 7 though one he assured me was a cyst and nothing to worry about.
Next came my options- have an MRI to see the extent or where and what was going on and then proceed with a possible biopsy OR have the biopsy now.
I'm not one for waiting so I took Option B- they leave the room and I text Pep and tell him what's going on and that they think there's enough suspicion to consider them cancerous.
At this point I'm holding it together by a string because if I crack then the flood waters aren't going to stop. And I had had a benign lump removed from my right breast when I was 18 so it could be nothing right?
But then my grandmother- she had breast cancer when she was 39, among other cancers- I was not feeling like I was dealing with a good gene pool.
I'm by myself - wishing I had asked Pep to come along, but at the same time glad I didn't.
The biopsies take almost 2 hours, they took 6 samples and then a sample of one of the lymph nodes that looked suspicious as well.
I'm bandaged up by Shelly the nurse and given my instructions and ice packs- She tells me that I'll get the results Thursday or Friday. Which stinks because Thursday we are heading to Madison for the football game.
I go home to rest and ice myself.
I text my boss and let her know what was going on with the biopsies and that I need to go home, it's been a heck of a day.
We have Pep's boys that night - I need to keep things covered and put the ice away, we've decided not to say anything to any of the kids until we know what’s going on. And in 2 days we head to Madison for the state high school football game, which Pep's oldest was playing in.
11/19 Thursday morning- we get the boys off to school and start packing the car for the trip- we're both trying to not talk about the elephant in the room, we both want to know but at the same time we don't want to know.
We head out at 9:00am to get Jacob from school for the trip to Madison.
10:00am- we are almost to Pittsville when the Marshfield Clinic calls.
It's what we both feared.
I'm listening to the radiologist tell me that 3 of the sites are benign- I'm pretty quick and figured the other 3 were cancerous. And I was right- now keep in mind that it's Pep and I in the car as well as Jacob, who’s 11. We can’t let him know what's going on yet.
The doctor tells me that it's DCIS- Stage 0- so I guess if I were to pick this is what I would pick right? I mean it's Stage 0!
He tells me that I have an appointment for Monday 11/23 for the Breast Clinic, at that time I'll see the nurse, the surgeon, the oncologist and the radiology oncologist.
All of this is taking place in the car with Jake in the back seat- so we are trying absorb all of this and still keep the filter engaged so Jake doesn't know what's going on.
I'm sitting in the front seat - crying - I cannot believe that I have breast cancer- this doesn't happen to me. I don't have time for that. How are we going to tell the kids? My girls are 18 and 22, his boys are 14 and 11. Dear God, how can I tell my mom or my grandfather? He's 90, he doesn't need more of this. His wife started with breast cancer and died of cancer, he's done enough. He's buried his two kids, one being my father when he was 45 years old, the other when he was only 18. This isn't fair for him.
We just need to make it through the day so I can process all of this without the kids hearing. I feel horrible for dumping all of this on Pep, we've both been through enough with some bad marriages and we're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and happy and then this. He doesn't deserve to have this added to him now as well.
I text my boss and let her know what's going on.
Then I tell my siblings with the sworn secrecy to not say anything to my mother, kids or grandfather.
My brother and sister are there for me - in their own very special way- humor is really the most important thing, we've gone through enough to know that you need to move on and focus on getting it fixed and not pout about it.
Laugh about it and fix it.
So that's what we do- or I try to do at least.
My youngest is texting wanting me to come visit her in Winona, I'm so tired already and know I can't do a whole day and not tell her. I cheat and plan a day trip shopping at a shop in Stanley. I ask my mom to come along as well since she wanted to see Jess.
11/20- I had planned to have the day off- but because I'm now going to be at the surgeon all morning on Monday I need to come in and get some things taken care of for Thanksgiving Day as well as next week.
I planned on only staying a couple of hours I'm there until 3:30. I let some of my co-workers and team know - I focus them and me on Stage 0- that's still good right?
I let the other managers at work know- I don’t want to be a distraction so I'd rather people know what's going on instead of wondering and wasting time on gossiping. I wonder if I'll ever get used to saying "I have breast cancer" I hope not.
Pep had left for deer camp that morning- he asked if he should stay home with me, I tell him no- last year he came home from deer camp because I broke a wrist- I wasn't going to ruin another year. And besides there's nothing he can do for me right now. Go and enjoy your weekend I tell him.
I have to go in for another lab- they want to have another sample of the lymph node so the results are back for my appointment on Monday.
That evening, Pep comes home from deer camp. He said he couldn't stay there knowing I was home alone. He's such a good guy, but I feel like a tool. We finally have a chance to talk and he's so sorry that all of this is happening and I have to have another surgery. I remind him it's a small one- just removing the lumps. Not a big deal.
He tells me I should probably plan on telling my mom tomorrow when we're together. I don't know yet.
11/21- Mom's coming over today- we have a two hour drive together. I try to think of things to talk about and keep it lively.
We had a nice day shopping and lunch with Jess. I try to keep it shorter than normal. It's really hard to pretend that everything is ok. But I can't tell Jess when she has a two hour drive back to Winona and she'll be coming home in a couple of days for Thanksgiving break. The appointment is Monday. I'll know more then and can give her the whole scoop- less worrying for her that way. I need to tell Aryn, my oldest- but I don't want to tell her when she's working or has tests coming up. She's graduating next spring from nursing, she'll understand it all better- Stage 0. And she's more grounded.
On the way home I start the conversation with my mother, who we affectionately call Pamcakes-
Me: " So I have to tell you something."
Pamcakes: "ok, is everything ok? Oh my God Tara are your pregnant?"
Me: "Mom, I had a hysterectomy 6 years ago, remember?"
Pamcakes: "Oh, that's right so what's wrong?"
I continue to tell her I have DCIS, I figured leaving the cancer word out of the conversation was for the best.
She asks what that is and I tell her I have Stage 0 breast cancer. She does much better than I expected, I also thought she would be miffed for me not telling her right away but she doesn't seem to focus on that. She ask if the kids know and how Pep's doing.
I assure her it'll be fine, everything will be fine, and I see the doc in a couple of days.
We get home and she gives Pep a big hug, we aren't married but she considers him and the boys part of the family, as if we were.
The rest of the weekend is a blur- trying to figure out what and how it all is happening.
11/23- I check in at the Breast Clinic and have to explain to nurse Kelly how this whole thing took place because there weren't any notes in the annual exam. I tell her the story and how I found them during my self-exam.
She mentions to me how it's one more reason that they are needed and how some are now indicating that people don't have to. I'm here to tell anyone - um, yeah, do the self exam. Had I not it would have been another year for the next mammogram, and because I have dense breast tissue- things don’t show. Mine is Stage 0- you can't ask for better than that.
Dr. Seydel comes in and we discuss the options, she's recommending a full mastectomy on the left, and due to the family history and my being younger - wants genetic testing for the BRCA1 and 2 done.
She explains that if it comes back positive that I have a much higher predisposition to have it again and they would then discuss removing both. But because it's a mastectomy there would be no need for chemo or radiation, music to my ears.
I go through another exam and then off to see the oncologist.
Why am I having such a hard time with this? I think I'm taking this news even harder than the breast cancer, I'm only 42 - I should not have to be dealing with having mastectomies!
Pep and I have only been together for 2.5 years, what is he signing up for? He didn't sign up for this. What is he going to think when he sees me like this? WHAT AM I GOING TO THINK?!?!
I told my boss I would be working from home- I'd go crazy sitting there- she was thinking a week I told her the 4 days.
Dear God, this cannot be happening.
Pep and I decided we need to tell the boys. We sit them down and explain what's going on. Tell them a few details but not the gruesome parts. Tell them that I'll have some bandages and we'll need their help around the house while I heal.
Jake asked some questions about the "mechanics" of it all and I think they got it. They did good. It'll be different when they see it but it went good.
I call Aryn that night and tell her the news, I remind her that it's all Stage 0- she does amazing. She's calm, asked questions. I held it together- which I was pretty proud of. It's still hard to say it out loud but if I crack so will they and I don't want them to be scared.
Jess comes home this afternoon. I need to figure out the wording.
I arrive home just after she did. We sit down in her room and I explain what's going on as best I can. She cried a little but overall did so much better than I expected. I cut her short and didn't give her as much credit as I should have.
I open the mail and see a delivery from my sister.
It's a coffee mug- keep in mind I don’t' drink coffee- but it has the words F$@$K CANCER on the front.
That about sums up my feelings today- how completely draining.
11/25- I go for the genetic testing and the gentleman is discussing with me all of the options and small panel and larger panel and what they can do and why.
He looks younger than my daughter Aryn.
He's telling me that it can also indicate whether I have a higher risk for ovarian cancer. Lovely. Just lovely.
After giving the lengthy family history and all of the people I'm related to that have died of cancer - I sign the paperwork and head to the lab.
One more thing checked off the list.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving!
Pep and I do all the cooking like normal, Jess is there. Pamcakes, Grampa Bert- we still haven’t told him
My brother, his kids, my sister, her husband and their kids
It was a nice holiday- allot of work and I'm not sleeping hardly at all. I can't get this whole thing out of my mind and I want to know what the surgery date is so I can count down to it being done.
My sister was home and telling the story of how she was trying to pay the mammogram technician cash to give her a mammogram on the side. I was laughing so hard I was crying.
So my friend Kelley was going in for one and I went along. My doctor won't give me one since I'm not 40. Kelley was in the room and changed into the gown they gave her.
I found a gown and changed too. When the tech came in she was pretty confused. I asked her if she can give me one too. Told her I had cash.
It was disappointing when she declined my request.
So the bright side is Reagen's doctor agreed to give her the mammogram now that I'm positive. So at least her wish has come true :)
I found another lump- on the right- Pep verifies
Lovely- it's going to be a long weekend.
11/29- we get the Xmas tree and I have it decorated - I'm early this year since I'm still hoping the surgery will be on the 15th, and if that's the case I cannot not have the tree up and ready. I need to get the gifts all wrapped and done as well so Pep doesn't have even more to do.
11/30- I call the clinic and tell them what I find, I'm in Stevens Point working that day.
They call me and ask me to come in for an exam, they do an ultrasound and take three biopsy samples to be on the safe side. I'm done with it all- take them both off. I cannot deal with this constant back and forth.
The tests will be back Wednesday or Thursday.
I tell Pep and everyone the update and go home with more ice packs. This is really getting old.
12/01- working in Wausau today- I let everyone know that I'll be out of the office for a little while and then working from home. We're all looking at around the 15th for the surgery. My boss is being amazing, I'm telling her about all the gruesome details as they are developing. It's a good thing she has a sense of humor like mine or she would think I've lost it.
I travel back to Marshfield mid-day to see the plastic surgeon about reconstruction. Oh My God- this is more gruesome than my images of the mastectomy. What in the hell have I signed up for? But I know if I don’t I'll regret it. It's just so much to take in all by myself. I can't have someone with me- that'll make it worse-
Clinic calls and the surgery is set for 12/15- 14 days to go
I travel back to Wausau for a meeting with the YOU magazine advisory board. We discuss the upcoming changes and the topic shifts to future editions and special dates and options.
My boss is saying things like" oh there are so many stories to tell about breast cancer and supporters" I seriously can't even look at her or I'm going to laugh.
So I spill the beans to them and let them know why I'll be out of commission.
And yes, it's still hard to say. My voice still catches a little bit every time I say it. But I only got a little misty, which still irritates me as well because people have allot worse. It's Stage 0 for crying out loud!
it's been a long day I need to sleep.
12/2- working from Marshfield today. And no doctor appointments. 13 days. I need to decide what to do. Do I go with double or single. I think I'm going double. I really don’t ever what to have to do this again.
My boss calls me at home and asks me what I thought about writing about this journey. How there's so much going on and she's learning so much. I'm learning so much. Maybe we can do a special edition for the YOU magazine in October, feature me and then write stories about not only the survivors but their supporters.
We could do updates and pictures.
I'm inspiring. I never thought about that. Never intended to be. Right now I'm dealing and processing on how I need to. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I don’t want to have people cut me slack.
I'm a lucky one- it's Stage 0- but there are those times when even I crack-
I try not to- I generally save it for when I shower and no one can see or hear me cry- I don't cry well- it's not a good look.
And I'm tougher than this crap - but dang it I want to pout sometimes and say how it's not fair.
But life isn’t fair and there are so many worse things out there- this is mine and it's all me- not anyone else's
I may not be dealing with it the conventional way- I may say things that are not "acceptable" - I laugh and say I'll play my breast cancer card. And yes I have done that- it didn't work with my sister. But she's glad to have a new card to play, we've been playing the dead parent card for a long time.
Nurse called on the way to Wisconsin Rapids, that's where I am today.
Right side is cancer free- yippee- can we still take it off? that's what I want to know.
Yes we can - it would be fine and a decision that would be positive for you. I'll talk to Dr. Seydel, it might change the surgery date.
UUUUGGGGG- can it be sooner?
Still waiting to see when
Nope- the surgery is delayed- now we're on the 22nd, which stinks because I definitely won't be able to go to Jakes Xmas concert- it sucks. I hate having Pep have to go to stuff by himself- maybe Jess will go with him- at least Shane can sit by him.
12/5- Not a bad day other than being ill with a cold now- I don’t get sick but I am today. I'm just worn down and tired. I need to sleep but that hasn't been happening.
Such a long day- but I'm getting more and more used to the thought of all of this.
12/6- We've decided to tell Grandpa- but I don't want to get him sick with my cold- so we're going to hold off and tell him Monday- not to mention it works well with me delaying the conversation.
My sister has been amazing- she sent me a seatbelt strap cushion to make it more comfortable when riding in the car. She just went through all of this with her friend, she's pretty spectacular I have to say. She went to every one of Kelly's appointments and surgeries. Cooked meal for her 6 six kids and then her own two kids as well as running her daycare business and being a mom.
She warns me that there's more coming. I can hardly wait.
Pep and I spend the bulk of the day getting things ready and prepared for the surgery. We decided to make up some frozen meals so that he doesn't have as much to do.
12/7- More doctor appointments, had to sign the consent forms for the surgery and the reconstruction- the more info I get about this the more gruesome it seems, it's a 6-12 month ordeal before they remove the expanders and replace with the implants. Dear God- I was hoping it would be over and done with. I'm going to be walking around for a year with this.
And the more I think about it the more I worry about what Pep is getting in to, how is he going to look at me when this is done?
They found a swollen lymph node on the right side, had to have an ultrasound but no biopsy, with the cold I have it could be from that but either way they are going to be in there in two weeks anyway so what difference does it make - waiting for two weeks or not.
Pep and I told Gramps, he took it very well- but we distracted him with our homemade summer sausage. Yes, we cheated. I explained the highlights and focused on Stage 0 and no chemo or radiation. The decision is his on whether he wants to come for the surgery or not.
My next delivery from my sister arrived today. It's a completely sexy undergarment that zips in the front and has pockets on the inside to hide the drains, as well inserts for fake inserts to make it looks like your not mutilated. Wonderful, it's amazing that she knows this stuff but seeing it makes it hard for me to believe that I'm here and need to have a mastectomy. A month ago my life was normal, going along fine - no big problems. Pep and I were enjoying our time of being empty nesters when his boys were with their mother and enjoying the time when they were with us- and now my whole world is turn upside down.
I cannot imagine how people who work hourly or don't have a support system or a job or boss like I have- the added stress and pressure would be almost unbearable.
Yet, almost everyday I still ask "why me?" I know I'm lucky, I know there are people out there that don't have what I have, that didn't get lucky like me, but it's still hard for me to think about what the next months will bring me.
How will Pep deal with all of this? He's s strong person and I believe he loves me but this is allot for people who've been together for years to go through, this is something hard for people who have been married for years. We've been together for not even three, we're not married- a decision we made together- I don't ever want someone to stay because of a piece of paper, if someone- he - wants to leave then we can. I can't ever handle being a failure at marriage again, not after how my last ended.
And all of these things are now at the forefront for me again- because of MY breast cancer-
And I'm supposed to be positive and think optimistically- and I do for the most part-
I put on the brave face- if I let my kids see that I'm afraid, if I let the boys see- they are even younger- if I let Pep or my mom see- it would make it harder for them. And I do not want people to feel sorry for me.
It is what it is and could be much worse - but the shower has become my new best friend- I can cry and let it all go - no one can see me and no one can hear me. I really like to shower.
12/7- last day of appointments before the surgery- its' like you sign your life away- which is kind of what you're doing when you sign all the consent forms. I know a person should listen to the issues that might arise but I can honestly say that I don’t want to know all of the things that "could" happen. if I did I would sleep even less than I am right now.
My mother dropped off some books from another "survivor" as she called her. Which strikes me as odd because I haven't survived anything yet. Nor did I ever think that I'd be "one of those" people. Maybe I should be prouder of what I'm facing but right now all it seems to me is a large inconvenience to me and my life. Life isn't fair but for cripes sakes one would think I could catch a break eventually.
12/8- No appointments, just a regular day. Other than that fact that I have cancer and I seem to be in denial about what this actually means. I'm not trying to minimize it but how serious does a person take it when it's Stage 0? Serious right? Should I be freaking out more? Maybe I'm in denial? But other than the surgery this isn't going to be a long term thing right? No treatments no nothing. So how does a person deal with that- do I get emotional when I have my anniversary date? Do I even have an anniversary date? I am probably not the right person to be dealing with the emotions on this.
12/9 this surgery is going to be horrible, the more I think about it and research it the more I am really wishing this was not happening. It's not the fact of having surgery. It’s the aftermath of what they are doing to me. Words like: Gruesome, Mutilated, Scary all come to mind. I'm not an overaly vain person but I try to look nice. I try to stay thin and in shape and health- see how well that worked for me- but this - this is awful. Even my hip doesn’t compare- that was just a long thin incision- this is horrible.
And why am I so worried about what I'll look like- it's not like I go to a nude beach in the summer, but a person should like what they see. And this is where I do relate to the "others" what is Pep going to think? Will be want me anymore? If I can't look at myself will he be able to look at me?
This is not awesome at all.
12/10- Jess is coming home, she's been focused on finals and getting things done- it'll be nice to have her home so she can help with appointments etc. I hate having to have Pep use vacation time for this. She sent me this and I have to say that she made me a little teary -
It's things like that that make everything worth it, to know that you did an OK job at being a mom.
It's hard most days to not sit and cry all day- but I'm not a crier- this is an inconvenience at most and while the recovery will be hard- it could be worse, that's what I keep telling myself- it's like I have decaffeinated cancer- it's kind of there but only a little. Is that even a thing?
12/11- I've been debating whether or not I make an announcement on Facebook, I think I'll say something the night before surgery. I don’t want gossip and people making this into more than it is. And feel like I need to let some people know that I'll need some time to hibernate. I appreciate all the well wishes and offers for help but right now I just want it all over and done with.
Weekend of running to get the last of our things done- more people are "aware" and I know they mean well- but I can't stand the look of sympathy they give me. I feel guilty the way it is when I feel shitty for myself- I mean, yeah, it's cancer but it's Stage 0- how can I complain and feel sorry for myself when it's Stage 0? That's the part I'm grappling with right now- how should I be feeling about this? I always joke that I thrive in denial, is that what I'm doing now? Am I in denial and minimizing the extent of this? Should I be more afraid of the whole diagnosis or am I making too big of a deal out of it?
12/13- 8 more days- yes part of me, a big part of me just wants to get this going, get it over and done with so I can move on.
Then the oddest thing- holy crap- I'm not going to be able to wear a regular for a long time, now what? I need to have something- they said I needed to wear something for...heck I have no idea but it was a long time I think.
Looking up mastectomy bras is not something I ever thought I would have to do, nope not me. I'm all fine and good.
So the shock of how unbelievably "not good" looking these things are strikes me with the first search results on Amazon, gosh I love Amazon.
But I find some that look kind of not horrible- see pictures and of course I got three since I need different colors, nice thing I can sleep in them. They look kind of comfy, and not nunnish. I don't even know if that's a word but it is now.
They conveniently have pockets to put your pretend breasts while going through the reconstruction, how lovely is that?
I finally talk to Pep more- tell him I'm terrified of what he's going to think when he sees me. He says, "A person doesn't turn love on and off like a switch, I'm not going to feel any different after than I do before, I'm just scared that I'm going to hurt you, I'm not sure how to hold you or do any of this yet"
How heartbreaking is that? I feel like a jerk for putting everyone through all of this.
12/14- 7 Days- off to work and a week of meetings and planning and hoping I'm not missing anything. It's good that I have the job I do, to keep me busy and make the days go fast. The nights seem to last an eternity, but I still wake up or have quite the disturbing dreams.
I get home to a package by the door from Amazon, nothing surprising since I love Amazon and it's seemed to have made my holiday shopping so much easier :)
I open the box and there's a note and a pair of pink boxing gloves. From a co-worker in Appleton- how awesome is that?
And the note: Tara, you for this! Just thought I'd send you something so you don't hurt your hands. Kick some ass. Andrea.
Gotta love friends like that huh?
So today should have been THE DAY but nope- gotta wait another week- I am not good at patience - I'm more of a let's get this show on the road - move it along.
Work has been fast paced and hectic which is good- it's nice to be able to laugh about how convenient my cancer has been. If nothing else I hope that people are able to see that - yes it was a shock- yes it sucked hearing the words. But again if I had to pick a cancer Stage 0 is the way to go. It's not going to kill me, it's not going to inhibit me from doing what I do- it's going to slow me down for a few months. And at least part of me will be perky even when I'm 70.
The Genetic Dept called today and I have a variant in the BRCA1 gene of unknown significance- what the hell does that mean? Good question. It means it messed up but not to the point of testing as postive for mutation.
Same applies to my STK11 gene which is connected to breast, ovarian and colon cancer.
The larger 21 panel hasn't come back yet but there are other gene's in that panel that are connected as well.
So in the end it kind of solidifies my decision on taking both- even a variant of unknown significance is too much of a thing to risk for me.
I tell my sister and her response, "So what the frack does that mean?"
Me: " Mutated but not a mutant, that’s what that means.
12/16- 5 days left. Yes, Yes I am counting down. Why am I looking at this like a kind of mini vacation?
My boss asked me if she can still text and call me, like she does now, I told her it would cause me distress if she didn't.
So one more day of hectic work in the books, number 3 of the work holiday lunches in the books. It's a good thing I like ham. At this point I'm following my sisters advice and "bulking" up. I know I normally lose 10-15 lbs when I have surgery, and yes I know that number. This will be number 14 for me-
12/17- 4 days left- another Holiday lunch at the Stevens Point Journal- number 4 for the week- nice thing is I didn't have to pack a lunch all week, another positive is once again I don't have to watch what I eat since I'll be losing some weight in a few days. I can really find the silver lining in almost anything.
12/18- 3 days baby- we have some weekend plans for dinner with our neighbors- they have 8 kids and one on the way. And I still count my blessings because I would be in way over my head there. But they do their thing and are a blast- Tomika- as I call her- is awesome and one of those people that just say what you need them to say so you can laugh.
12/19- Dinner at the Buck A Neer- it was way too much food but it was needed and kind of a pre-Xmas/Pre Surgery Last Meal. We stopped in by Jess afterwards- she was bartending at Browns- needed to see her in action at least once. My kids sure make me proud. My oldest was inducted into the National Honor Society for Nursing this weekend. How freaking exciting is that?
12/21- D Day- well almost - and D Day may not be the right label since I doubt I'll even be a B when I'm done with phase one of the reconstruction but it's funny. Wrapping the last of the things up at work. Everything is set at home. Just need to take the ham out to defrost for Pep. He has been amazing, strong as usual and reassuring that my frankenboobies aren't going to scare him. Glad he can say that because I sure can't right now. Kind if wigging out about that but better than the alternative and again- Stage 0 is something to celebrate not something to wallow
12/22- There was no sleep last night but I wasn't expecting much either - Pep even was tossing and turning last night. We are headed out for the check in at 8:45 - need to head to the ER and then Nuclear Medicine so they can do the injections are checking the lymph nodes.
We walked into the waiting room and who of all people is sitting there waiting? My brother John. Wasn't expecting him there but he is definitely a distraction. You can see by the pictures that he's all over trying to keep my mind off of the elephant in the room. It really is a sweet gesture on his part.
The surgery is delayed a little bit- the one before mine took a little longer than expected - so I'll be heading in closer to noon.
Here's the run down of what took place:
Check in and discuss with the nurse the first step- Pep's along and we go over the next steps so he's in the loop
They take me back to get the IV started as well as the nerve block for the left hand side - that will have more pain since there's the node issue.
Peter- the nurse- nails the IV on the first try- score for him- I make sure that he knows he needs to get Pep and the others before I go in. I don't want to give my rings to anyone else. For some reason I need him to be the one to have them
IV is started and the nerves are numb- we're in waiting mode for the room to be ready- I told everyone they can leave and grab something to eat- no one has eaten anything yet. John takes some another pre-surgery selfie (seephotos named pre-surgery selfies)
Next step is off to the room.
I woke up in some pretty severe pain- they hadn't planned on it being as bad as it was so they were playing catch up trying to get it more under control.
John and everyone else comes back and you have to give him credit- he's in comedy mode to try and help- it really is one of the few times I'm not thinking about the pain- even if it was for a few seconds- and who wouldn't want a selfie right after surgery right? (see photo named- post surgery selfie)
Pep said that Seydel came and said she is almost 100% sure she got all of the cancer- so right now I'm going on the premise that I am CANCER FREE!!
That night was hard- it was very hard to breath- harder than I had expected and I wasn't prepared for it to be that painful- pain level was a solid 9 most of the night. But sitting there wont make it better- I was determined to get my butt up and go to the bathroom and move a little. That’s the one thing I've done with all of my surgeries and while it kind of sucks in the moment - pushing myself a little harder than one normally would seems to get the anesthesia out of my system as well as me healing faster.
Pep's trained on the stripping of the drains- he was pretty nervous but in true Pep fashion- did what he needed to do.
We're headed home about 10:00- mom comes up to help pack things up and to see me before I head out.
That first day was bad- it was more about figuring out how to move and how to not move than anything else. My friend from Kansas sent me some Cancer Socks- (see photo named Cancer Socks)
Pep's there every step of the way and that's huge for me. He's making sure my pain meds are there as well as the antibiotics. Making sure I'm warm enough and that I'm eating a little something.
Night One was not as smooth- I tried sleeping in the bed- I hate not sleeping with Pep- but it was too painful and I feel awful making him get up all the time helping me. But I can't reach the night stand- it's on my left side and I can't move that arm nearly as well as my right. We move me to the recliner.
12/24- Xmas Eve- I feel ok- so not having too much sleep- I was able to make the bed and sweep the floor- and that feels good- at least Pep's not having to do that too- it's not allot of help but at least I'm helping a little. He's making the deviled eggs and I'll help with the actual mixture- since there's no real recipe of course.
The boys come home and we open the gifts and they get ready for Jake's Christmas concert- Pamcakes is coming for that and that’s good- I feel like a tool for missing it but I can't go anywhere when I have four drains. Pep is amazing in everything but I think it's really hard on him. Hearing she got all of the cancer was huge for him but this is allot and I'm worried about the pressure on him.
I slept in the recliner again and it was a pretty good night - I got about 4 hours and then 5 hours in a row and it was pretty comfortable. Sitting up in the morning is hard but it's pretty temporary.
It'll be kind of a slower day- we have the bulk of the day to get everything ready- Pep has the ham in the oven around 9 and made a quick run to the store and to get a hand held shower from town-
He gets that hooked up and it feels pretty amazing to "shower" which is really just the lower half and then Pep washes my hair.
It's the small things and taking a shower is one of those things.
The family comes over including John, his kids, the boys, Jess, Pamcakes and my gramps.
It was a long day but all in all a good day. Felt pretty good for most of it. I hadn't looked at my chest at all yet- I know there's not much there- I can see the outline of the expanders- when I finally move the bandages I'm pleasantly surprised- there's no gruesome incisions like I was expecting- I know there's the one underneath in the crease under each breast but I can live with that- just very happy- until I notice that my left nipple is black- I'm thinking it's dried blood - but it's not- it's the skin- which can only mean one thing- it's dying.
And that is not a good thing- there will need to be some additional procedures and now I'm not sure if they will be able to save my left nipple. They said it can happen- the breast tissue is very sensitive and tender and can easily be damaged where they lose blood flow and will dye- and that my friends is where I'm thinking I am.
The night was not a good one- the last time I looked at the clock it was 3:45am- I woke up at 7:30- not a good night. The boys try to be quiet but it's not really in their nature, and I have no escape to sleep but in the recliner- I fell asleep around 10:00am but only for a little while on and off- they are excited to be home and are talking- it's their home and I can't fault them for that- I'm just tired.
My mind would not shut down from the issue I found yesterday- I need to do some more research on the issue and what can be done or what is done in most cases. From what I have found so far it's not a good sign - I'm just hoping that it's not more severe and it stays in the small area it's in right now.
Jess and I took down the Xmas tree- it really is kind of our thing- we tear that sucker down almost immediately after Christmas- it's nice for me to get the house back to normal. The tree had been for almost a month and even with watering it - she was dry.
I moved more today than I have since the surgery- made breakfast for Shane and Pep, folded some laundry, washed the dishes - and then after my short catnap- Jess and I tackled the tree.
Once we got the tree undecorated Pep tossed it outside and did the clean up afterward.
