Buzzfeed- 17 Things No One Tells You About Breast Cancer

1/30/16

A good friend of mine shared this- after reading it and then sharing it there were several that hit close to home.

#3 and 4- uuummm yeah.

#7- I'm generally not a crowd type person, I'm not shy, shocking discovery I know. Definitely

#8- I try every day to not wake up with a pity party- it's not like it's going to change anything. I hate being afraid, so I refuse to be. #9- kind of - it's kind of a killjoy- "So how were your holiday?" Me "Well i had breast cancer and had my boobs cut off. How was yours?"

#10- Thankfully I can't relate to. My tribe is amazing.

#12- a little but i get it-

#13- so true- for most people- I'm lucky so I probably downplay mine cancer because it's like decaffeinated - Stage 0

#14- oh hell yes

#15- just about every day is a struggle in some way

#16 and #17- I'm getting to see the after effects are brutal

http://www.buzzfeed.com/caseygueren/its-more-than-pink-ribbons#.jtYA27DJ4

I'm not sharing my story to be an inspiration - it's really something that's helping me work through all of the things I need to in my head. But I have found that in sharing all of this with people - if I can give someone a little laugh, a little insight that maybe what they are feeling is pretty damn normal, and just because it doesn't fit the publicized stories that others have shared then I'm good with it.

Not to mention I'm a talker- the more I can talk things out the better I am

But through all of this the comments from people I know well and don't know as well have been empowering. 

I don't claim to be anything but me but when men I went to school with or know from way back post things like: 

"Tara, your determination and bravery should be an inspiration for everyone." 

and  

"You are one tough woman, I'm proud to be your friend" 

That is pretty amazing to me. They have nothing to gain but have given me a lot.

Fill 'Em Up

One doesn't think that 50 cc's would make much of a difference but it sure does.
Doc Gottlieb said it's about a half a cup size- 

While I don't necessarily like going to the clinic I have to say that at least my docs are pretty awesome.

I did come to the conclusion that I do have some feeling in my right breast- how do I know this?
Because the first "stick" missed the port and it was quite a shocker since I wasn't prepared to feel anything.

Regardless, I feel a little better with the profile I have now, it might not look like much of a change but it looks better than beforehand.

Still not ready to expose Pep to the grim reality of what I look like, I think he will do better continuing to function in denial.

Nice thing about all this is Doc Gottlieb said I'd maybe be able to have the final surgery in April or May, my daughter Aryn graduates at the end of May so I need to watch for that but the incision will only be about 2 inches.
Doc said the recovery time isn't nearly as hard and there are no drains, I may be sore because they'll be cutting some scar tissue etc but considering how well I did after the big surgery I'm not too concerned.

I am looking forward to having it done and being "normal" right now everything still feels like I'm in limbo and half way done and half way not.

Oh and for the record - expanders are quite firm. Those suckers could take out a brick wall. 




Thinking about all of this and trying to stay positive and keep my sense of humor seems to make it go by faster and seems like I have an outlet, I try to not let things bother me- seeing "normal" people walk around and listening to the issues and problems people have puts things in perspective. I try to not minimize what others are dealing with but I do sit back and smile because it really is kind of comical listening to people trying to find a dress for an event while I'm looking for the next fill date so I can carry on with my life. 

But it also makes a person look at what they're grateful for, health insurance- sure I'll have a hefty bill since we have the out of pocket minimum and I'll be hitting that for two years since we did all of this over the holidays- but the $20,000 will have to be taken care of in payments, better than no insurance, Pep- I can't say thank you enough- there are allot of people that would have bailed, he didn't even when he could have, my job- funny how that ends up being in there- but being able to work from home and keep me busy was a God send, my boss- having a sense of humor like I do so I and we can joke around about how my cancer was convenient. If people heard what we said they would seriously thinks something was wrong with me---us.
My kids- my family- all of these things that brought me to where I am here and now- 
Things happen for a reason and there are things that suck when we're in the middle of dealing with them but they bring us to where we're supposed to be in life for a reason.

I don't know what the reason is for having breast cancer but I'm sure there's something coming.

Out and About

I had made the decision not to use the inserts ( booby pads)for the mastectomy bra- kind of thinking everyone at work is well aware of the situation.
What I wasn't prepared for was my own self consciousness when Pep and I attended a birthday party Saturday night. It was during the last Packer game in the playoffs- 1/16.

I'm not used to seeing myself look like I do, shirts don't fit the same way - I don't look the same- I know I should be grateful for not having to deal with all of the issues and treatments- I should be grateful this all played out the way it did. BUT- it sure is still hard most days to see what was done.

My doc had asked if I'm depressed, said there's support groups and that allot of women feel some depression after the surgeries- I'm not depressed- I just try hard to not look- try to not have to see what was done. 
One things for sure- I am sure as heck not letting Pep see what it looks like. I mean- right now they don't even feel like me- they're kind of  foreign to me.

It's not hard to pretend that I'm still the person I was before - but I know that I'm not. I just need to figure out who I am now- after all of this. It's not an easy thing to see yourself after everything that's been done. I don't know how I feel sometimes. 
I know that Pep's not going to see all of this until it's done. I need to be able to pretend that he won't care but it's not something I want to risk either.

I need to be able to pretend to myself that he'll still find be "wantable" that's not even a word but I like to make things up.
I know that these are "normal" feelings, I know that. But I don't want to be "normal" I should be able to deal with these things better, I should be stronger than the "normal".
Physically I am but all of the internal fears are more than I expected. 

So for the time being I need to focus on the fact that they're just boobs- right? I mean it's not like I couldn't fake it and wear the fake ones, they aren't the most comfortable but it seems like I'm hiding something- and in the big picture I'd rather face it and the looks than hide behind some falsies.

Ok, that's the feeling today - I can't guarantee that that won't change but that's my story today.
Below is the 70 cc version of me. We'll see what the 22nd brings- 

Profile- 70 cc fill up

Man Friend

In the previous post I talked about how I hit the jackpot- NO I STILL HAVE NOT WON THE LOTTERY.

But it got me thinking about my man friend.

Historical reference points: 

Pep and I knew each other in high school. He says he remembers me- I think he's being kind :). I hadn't seen him in years. Until my ex-husband and I bought our new home 11 years ago, during one of the stops while it was being built- low and behold - there was Pep doing the plumbing. I'll be honest I nearly fainted. 

Fast forward 11 years. I'm in the midst of the divorce era- out with my neighbors- Casey and Krista Krause aka Tomika Mosby at the local bar. I'm minding my own business - having a blast- which is normal with the company I was keeping.

During this time Tomika texts Mr. Pep and tells him to come to the bar. 

Needless to say when he walks in I was a little taken aback- which is the polite way of saying "holy crap, he's here"

The next day I get a text from Pep asking to get together.

First "date" is on the back of his Harley, I'm asking myself at this point what in the hell am I doing? I'm almost 40 and getting on the back of a motorcycle.

Oh well, here goes nothing. During the divorce era I had realized that for the last 3 years of my marriage I had been existing, not living. And realizing that made me promise myself that from that point on I was not going to just exist, I'm going to live, have fun, try new things that I normally wouldn't- disclaimer being as long as they didn't include heights.

I confessed to him that night about the huge crush I had on him in high-school.

I remember hearing the song by Tim McGraw- Not a Moment Too Soon, and that is exactly how I feel about Pep. It's also the tattoo on my left wrist.

Fast Forward 2.5 years later, I couldn't be happier, we're enjoying the life we've built together, road trips, the Harley, Amish Sundays (we both enjoy cooking, allot- so at least once a month we spend a Sunday canning something, cooking and freezing something etc )all of the kids are doing well- then BLAM- the cancer. (there should be some good music played after that )

So keep in mind- we're not married, we have not been together "THAT" long.

Here's where the proof is in the pudding.

Thanksgiving Day 2015

Pep was there every step of the way, all of the angst, the tears, the fear. He was there.

We get home from the hospital and he's already getting a hand held shower installed so I can shower, he washes my hair for me, strips the lines of the drains, basically is there for anything I need. Helping me get up, helping me sit. He cooks the Xmas ham, cleans, everything.

So yeah I hit the Jackpot. I remember telling him I was sorry, sorry about the Cancer, sorry about what it was going to do to our lives. 

His response- It is what it is and maybe this is Gods way of bringing us closer together. 

Things happen for a reason he says, that's why we're together at all, it was meant to be us- together, as a team.

So yeah- Cancer sucks, it's an emotional roller coaster, not only for the person with it but for all of the friends and family, the supporters, the people that are there every step of the way.

I just happen to be able to depend on my Man Friend - who also happens to be my Best Friend.

Jackpot

No, I did not win any of the billion dollar lottery but I got to thinking about the Jackpot I have hit and that's how and what my life is right now.

It might seem odd for someone to say that after the surgery but when I think about all of the "bad" things that have happened to in my life- all of those things have now led me to where I am, which is a pretty good spot from what I see.

A little history and this might give people the understanding of why I think "It is what it is" should be my life motto.

1. Right before I was 15 I was in a car accident, I broke my hips and pelvis in 5 places- sounds awful right? Well it was, at the time. But what this taught me is that it could have been way worse. I could have died, others in the car could have died. I could have been hurt much worse, could have been paralyzed. I'm not- duh? Docs at the time said I may not be able to have kids- I did- and they are pretty amazing kids.

2. Married- twice- yeah I know- both of my marriages ended due to infidelity- Now you may be asking yourself how can that be something good? It wasn't - but it brought me to where I am today and since I couldn't change the actions of others- It is what it is.

3. Dad died when he was in his early 40's - i'll say that this is the one instance that there is no good to be found- but- It is what it is. A person figures out what's important and to enjoy life. This is how my dad lived his - full blast all the time. Humor got him through a lot and that say outlook works for my siblings and I. My poor mother.

4. Breast Cancer- yeah I know- the C word- but again it could have been way worse- and it wasn't. It isn't. 

I hit the jackpot!

Road Tripping

It's a nice option to feel well enough to be able to do those "normal" things that were done prior to all of this.

A road trip in the new truck with the boys is something that seems really "normal" for us, it's something that we'd done beforehand but hadn't done once we found out the news- we were too busy getting as many holiday things done as possible.



Now I'm actually able to leave and make it through the whole day without feeling too exhausted, it's odd to thing that's it's only been 2.5 weeks since the surgery, as good as I'm feeling it seems like it should be longer.

Pep is having a hard time believing how well I'm doing, it's kind of shocking how each day I'm able to do a little more.

Started on the elliptical again - I'm only able to do about 15 minutes at a time but I've been trying to do that at least once a day. 

CANCER FREE BABY

CANCER FREE BABY

Two small words that really are quite amazing to hear. CANCER FREE.

Tuesday was the best day I could have hoped for.
Seeing my new buddy Dr. Gottlieb and having the last of those nasty drains removed was amazing.
The fill process for the expanders was quite unnerving- here's the deal with Youtube- you can use it to either prepare for what's coming OR freak yourself out.

I accomplished both when viewing the video below-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bGdeeONw1o

It gave me a good idea of what to expect but when you see what they do it's kind of messed up.

Doc Gottlieb didn't need to use the little magical port finder- he was able to find it without.
The cool thing is since I'm numb now I had no need for them to numb me.
I could feel pressure when they put the needle in but no pain.
They fill until you feel slight discomfort and pressure.
For me that was 70 cc on each side. I think the weirdest part was feeling them take the needle out- feels like a slight pop and pressure but thankfully no pain.

Dr. Seydel was next and she had all the final text results, CANCER FREE!!!!
Yup, that's me. Nothing had spread outside the tumors so no worries there and since there were such good margins I wouldn't need to see the oncologist or go on the meds for the next 5 years.

Life is good.
No annual mammograms, no annual MRI's to check anything spreading, no nothing!
Well, I need to see Seydel once a year but that's it.

Now all i needed to do was finish the next phase of the reconstruction, have the expanders removed and permanent implants put in.

My dear Pep is not looking forward to another surgery but i assured him this one would be a piece of cake compared to the one we just went through.
No drains - just a couple of days of pain and then it would be better.

The New Temporary Normal

It's really amazing what can be done to a person's body and in a pretty short time frame how fast you can bounce back. 
I've always healed fast, normally I'll be down and out for a short time frame but not normally to the extent of what others are.

I've spent the week pushing myself a little more each day, moving more and more- I cleaned the carpets, cleaned and organized the cupboards and got some other things done around the house.

Friday was a good day "road tripping" as Pep and I call it- made allot of stops and grabbed a new shop vac for the garage as well as some other stuff for the bathroom to be painted- that'll be next weekend - I need to have the drains out before I to try and do some more moving around.

I've noticed many things in the past couple of months- I enjoy and notice the small things more- like seeing Pep assemble the Shop Vac

Assembly process

Assembly Process

Assembly in process

I've noticed how many people are so supportive- I've heard allot of feedback from old classmates as well as acquaintances thanking me for sharing this whole experience - it's been amazing- 

We all see the commercials on TV about the support system and how many people are very supportive -
I received the beautiful necklace and card from the wife of my cousin this weekend- the cards I've gotten from people who truly care and take the time to send a card means the world