Out and About

I had made the decision not to use the inserts ( booby pads)for the mastectomy bra- kind of thinking everyone at work is well aware of the situation.
What I wasn't prepared for was my own self consciousness when Pep and I attended a birthday party Saturday night. It was during the last Packer game in the playoffs- 1/16.

I'm not used to seeing myself look like I do, shirts don't fit the same way - I don't look the same- I know I should be grateful for not having to deal with all of the issues and treatments- I should be grateful this all played out the way it did. BUT- it sure is still hard most days to see what was done.

My doc had asked if I'm depressed, said there's support groups and that allot of women feel some depression after the surgeries- I'm not depressed- I just try hard to not look- try to not have to see what was done. 
One things for sure- I am sure as heck not letting Pep see what it looks like. I mean- right now they don't even feel like me- they're kind of  foreign to me.

It's not hard to pretend that I'm still the person I was before - but I know that I'm not. I just need to figure out who I am now- after all of this. It's not an easy thing to see yourself after everything that's been done. I don't know how I feel sometimes. 
I know that Pep's not going to see all of this until it's done. I need to be able to pretend that he won't care but it's not something I want to risk either.

I need to be able to pretend to myself that he'll still find be "wantable" that's not even a word but I like to make things up.
I know that these are "normal" feelings, I know that. But I don't want to be "normal" I should be able to deal with these things better, I should be stronger than the "normal".
Physically I am but all of the internal fears are more than I expected. 

So for the time being I need to focus on the fact that they're just boobs- right? I mean it's not like I couldn't fake it and wear the fake ones, they aren't the most comfortable but it seems like I'm hiding something- and in the big picture I'd rather face it and the looks than hide behind some falsies.

Ok, that's the feeling today - I can't guarantee that that won't change but that's my story today.
Below is the 70 cc version of me. We'll see what the 22nd brings- 

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